6 Facebook Statuses that are a Waste of Cyber Space

And there I am, again, my eyes glued to the home page of my facebook account, reading a "friend's" status and silently trying to think of all the appropriate things that might be wrong with her/him, all the reasons why she/he is telling the world these stupid things that are equivalent to "I DON'T HAVE A LIFE." (ironic, isn't it?) I bet you know at least one of these people. Am I right? I thought so. That's because they are everywhere. And the really scary part of it? You might be turning into one of these. Or (gasp!) you might already be one!

But, with my helpful list below, you can identify whether or not you truly do not have a life, and hopefully make some changes, for the benefit of the entire human population. If you are reading these statuses and they sound unnervingly familiar - aka, you wrote one - DON'T BE UPSET! I still love you! That is, if I even loved you in the first place, which, I probably maybe hopefully did. Look, I can be mean, I know it. And I can have really stupid statuses. But this is simply constructive criticism. Think of it as I am helping out you, and you are helping out humanity.

And now, without further ado, 6 Facebook Statuses that are a Waste of Cyber Space:

1. Got off work at 2, now going to hang out with baby. i love u
Ok. First of all, it's great that you have a job. Honestly. It really is. And, it's also great that you have a baby (thinking maybe this is referring to significant other and not an infant, still a little unclear). It's great that you love "u." BUT, my friend, we just don't care. That's the truth. And maybe, just maybe, we would care if you didn't post this everyday.

2. I miss you. Wish we were back together again.
This status is borderline acceptable, but only if you post this/something similar to this ONCE after a breakup, and even then, it's still on the line. You see, when you say "I miss you," you are speaking to someone, in this case, your ex. Well. If it was a really nasty breakup, I doubt you're even facebook friends with him/her still. And if it wasn't that bad, and you are still facebook buddies, do you think he/she is even going to read it? And if they do, are they lame enough to call you up and say "hey baby, let's give it another go" when you didn't want them back enough to call them? Posting this once is questionable. Twice is too many. Three times is ridiculous. Four times is disgusting.

3. Apple pie and a Greek salad for dinner - yum!
Anything where you are informing the world what you are eating for dinner/lunch/breakfast is unacceptable,UNLESS it is something highly unusual and exotic - for example, jellied eel. Otherwise, we don't want to hear it. And if you stop and think about this one for a minute, I think you'll realize how very strange it is. I never go out into the front lawn and shout what I'm eating, so why would I go onto facebook and do the same thing?

4. Embrace the beauty in your life!
Are you on something? No, really. I love how enthusiastic you are about your life, but I believe your time would be better spent writing Hallmark cards/composing a self-help book/creating one of those terrible motivational speeches. Thanks.

5. Every year, (insert number) people are diagnosed with cancer, and (insert number) of these people will die from complications of their disease. (insert number) will have to go through chemo, radiation, and intense treatments that will leave them exhausted and hurting. But hope never dies, and you too, can inspire hope for more survivors. Repost if you care. If you don't repost, you don't care.
These sort of statuses come in all forms - gay rights, faith, disability rights, and quite frankly, friends, they're all the same. Don't get me wrong, the majority of this status is great. BUT, the moment you write that last sentence, well, I'm NOT going to repost, because I'm not one of those people that gets a guilt trip from someone's status. And neither should you. I happen to care quite a bit, and I do like your status, just not they way you chose to conclude it.

6. Give me everything tonight...
This is referring to any popular song lyrics you post. Just... don't do it. Please. If we wanted to hear this, we could turn on the radio to that really lame station that only plays really lame songs because people buy them because they like to imagine doing things with other people to the horrendous beats of electronic, computerized, unoriginal music. Song lyrics are only acceptable if they are from a song less than 25% of the population knows, and only because they make people wonder why you are stringing together random words and phrases.